


Keeping Up With the Maximoffs

by contranda



Category: X-Men (Comicverse), Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Canon Jewish Character, M/M, canon compliant if you squint, crack with heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 14:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16307312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/contranda/pseuds/contranda
Summary: Ever wondered what goes on in the lives of one of mutantkind's most influential families when they're not in the news? Tune in to TLC every Monday at 7 central, 6 pacific for an inside look at the lives of the Maximoffs.





	Keeping Up With the Maximoffs

**Author's Note:**

> my friend and i have this version of marvel 616 where everything is the same but quentin is related to magneto so this is that. this episode is thanksgiving! nice!!

**CAMERA PANS TO SHOW A TABLE, NICELY SET**

 

**CAMERA MOVES TO** BILLY KAPLAN **WHO IS SITTING IN AN ARMCHAIR**

 

BILLY

yeah so it’s thanksgiving. It’s uh,

**HE LOOKS OFF TOWARD THE** KITCHEN **FROM WHICH** CRASHES  **ARE COMING**

the first year we’re all here and, uh 

[CRASH] sorry, I have to go check on that. 

BILLY **EXITS**

 

**CAMERA FOLLOWS** BILLY **INTO THE KITCHEN, WHERE** WANDA MAXIMOFF  **AND** ERIK LENSHERR  **ARE STANDING BY THE STOVE**

 

ERIK

You’re overcooking the turkey!

ERIK **WAVES HIS HAND, THE OVEN SLAMS OPEN**

 

WANDA

I know what i’m doing

**SHE FLICKS HER FINGERS AND THE OVEN CLOSES AGAIN IN A FLASH OF RED LIGHT**

If you wanted to have a hand in how the meal was being prepared, maybe you should’ve had a hand in raising me

 

BILLY **AWKWARDLY LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA FROM WHERE HE IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY**

 

ERIK

You know that isn’t fair, i didnt even know you existed

 

BILLY **LOOKS PAINED AND TRIES TO PUSH THE CAMERA-PERSON OUT.** WANDA  **AND** ERIK **SEEM TO BE HAVING A WORDLESS ARGUMENT. THE METAL FAUCET IS SHAKING FAINTLY, THE LIGHTS ARE FLICKERING.**

 

**FADE TO BLACK AS THE** KEEPING UP WITH THE MAXIMOFFS  **INTRO ROLLS**

 

**A** SUBURBAN BACKYARD **.** TOMMY SHEPHERD  **AND** PIETRO MAXIMOFF **ARE PLAYING CATCH, ALBEIT AT SUPERHUMAN SPEEDS**

 

TOMMY

[UNINTELLIGIBLE]

 

PIETRO

[UNINTELLIGIBLE]

 

TOMMY

[LAUGHTER]

 

**BACK INSIDE THE** HOUSE **, THE DOORBELL RINGS.** ERIK  **OPENS THE DOOR, REVEALING** TEDDY ALTMAN **.**

 

ERIK

William, your boyfriend is here

 

BILLY  **RUNS TO THE DOOR AT SPEEDS RIVALING HIS BROTHER’S**

 

BILLY

Hello.

 

TEDDY

Billy! Hope I’m not too late. Brought over a pie

**HE HOLDS OUT THE PIE.**

 

ERIK  **LEVITATES THE PIE OUT OF HIS HANDS AND INTO THE KITCHEN**

 

BILLY

Thank you so much for coming

**HE HUGS HIS MANS**

 

TEDDY

I wouldn’t miss it for the world

**THEY TENDERLY GAZE INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES AND KISS**

 

ERIK  **LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA, PAINED**

 

**CAMERA CUTS TO THE “** CONFESSIONAL CHAIR” **, FEATURING** ERIK

 

ERIK

I am so happy for my grandson, of course i am. But every family event, he brings theodore and then it’s all “true love this, true love that.” [HE SCOFFS] I miss the days when all my family wanted to talk about was good old-fashioned mutant supremacy

 

**CONFESSIONAL BUT WITH** TOMMY

 

TOMMY

See on one hand, he’s my brother so i gotta pick on him. But on the other hand, it makes grampsneto uncomfy, which is hilarious. And then on the other other hand

**HE MOVES AN ARM RAPIDLY, APPEARING AS IF HE HAS THREE HANDS**

Teddy likes to watch romcoms with me, which billy hates, so. Epic win

**HE PULLS ON HIS** GOGGLES **AND RUNS OFF CAMERA. THERE IS A CRASH**

[OFF-CAMERA] I can’t see s--- in these!

 

**BACK IN THE KITCHEN**

 

WANDA  **FLOATS THE TURKEY OUT OF THE OVEN AND** ERIK **COVERS IT IN FOIL**

 

WANDA

We’re about ready. When did you say quentin was arriving?

 

**THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR** .  **THE CAMERA FOLLOWS** ERIK **AS HE OPENS IT ONCE AGAIN. STANDING OUTSIDE ARE** LOGAN HOWLETT **AND** QUENTIN QUIRE **, WITH THE FORMER’S HAND ON THE LATTER’S SHOULDER**

 

QUENTIN

Hiya gramps!

 

ERIK

Quentin! So glad you could make it

**HE MAKES A SHOW OF TURNING HIS HEAD TOWARD** LOGAN

Wolverine.

 

LOGAN

Magneto. Leavin’ the kid here, against anyone’s better judgement. Anything happens and we’ll have the x-men at your door sooner than you can say “magnets,” ya got me?

 

ERIK

God forbid the x-men gate-crash. I’ve already got a house-ful of one-time avengers.

 

**AT THIS,** BILLY **POKES HIS HEAD INTO THE ENTRYWAY. HE LOOKS VISIBLY AWESTRUCK AT THE SIGHT OF** LOGAN

 

BILLY

Wolverine! Hey man! Remember when we-

 

LOGAN

Alright, gotta run. See ya later kiddo. Remember to call Illyana when you’re ready to head home

**HE PATS** QUENTIN  **ON THE HEAD AND TURNS TO LEAVE**

 

QUENTIN

Thanks for the lift, dad

 

ERIK **AND** BILLY **LOOK AT THE CAMERA. THE ENSUING SILENCE GOES ON LONG ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDERED AWKWARD**

 

QUENTIN  **FOLLOWS** BILLY  **INTO THE LIVING ROOM, AS** ERIK **HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN**

 

QUENTIN

[CALLING OVER HIS SHOULDER] hey aunt wanda, hey uncle pietro

 

WANDA

[OFF-SCREEN] hey quentin

 

PIETRO

[LIKEWISE OFF-SCREEN] hello

 

BILLY  **AND** QUENTIN  **JOIN** TEDDY  **AND** TOMMY  **IN SITTING ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR. YES, THERE ARE PLENTY OF AVAILABLE SEATS**

 

BILLY

Nice to have you here, Quentin. Long time no see!

 

QUENTIN

We must liberate mutantkind

 

TOMMY

**HE IS SHOTGUNNING A PRICKLY PEAR SAN PELLEGRINO**

Right on!

 

**WE CUT TO THE CONFESSIONAL CHAIR, FT.** PIETRO

 

PIETRO

Yeah so dad decided that this omega kid is his grandson. None of us are sure if this is biologically true or it’s just the whole 

**HE WAVES HIS HAND, KNOCKING INTO A** PAINTING OF ERIK **, LEAVING IT CROOKED**

Mutant rights thing

 

**WE NOW HAVE** BILLY  **IN THE CHAIR, WITH** TOMMY  **SITTING ON THE ARMREST**

BILLY

Yeah he’s started coming to a bunch of our events

 

TOMMY

He’s aight

 

**THEY FLASH THUMBS UP PERFECTLY IN SYNCH**

 

**NOW IT’S** TEDDY  **IN THE CHAIR**

TEDDY

I’m not sure if Q knows i’m not a mutant. [HE GLANCES IN THE DIRECTION OF THE LIVING ROOM] it’ll be fine

 

EVERYONE  **IS SEATED AROUND THE TABLE.** ERIK  **IS CARVING THE TURKEY.** WANDA  **IS LEVITATING VARIOUS SIDES TO PEOPLES’ PLATES** . BILLY  **AND** TOMMY  **ARE KICKING EACH OTHER UNDER THE TABLE.** PIETRO  **HAS HIS PHONE CONNECTED TO A SPEAKER. HE KEEPS GETTING UP WOOSH ACROSS THE ROOM AND CHANGE THE SONG AFTER ONE VERSE.**

 

BILLY

we should all share what we’re thankful for

 

ERIK

that’s not a bad idea, actually

 

TEDDY

i’m thankful for you, billy

 

ERIK

Never mind.

 

WANDA

So how’s school, quentin?

 

QUENTIN

**HE IS CHEWING A MASSIVE PIECE OF TURKEY. THEY WAIT FOR HIM TO SWALLOW**

same old, same old. got kicked out, sponsored a tv show, got punched by America Chavez, you know. the usual

 

**IN THE ENSUING SILENCE,** PIETRO  **TAKES THE LIBERTY TO CHANGE THE SONG. AGAIN.** THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT  **BY THE SMITHS STARTS PLAYING**

 

TOMMY

how goes the mutant supremacy, gramps?

 

ERIK

thanks for asking, you know how much i love talking about my work. starting this week i plan to assassinate [STATIC] and then implement [STATIC]

**WE SEE A BOOM MIC FLOAT BY BEHIND HIS HEAD**

 

**CONFESSIONAL CHAIR WITH** WANDA.  **THIS IS AFTER A COMMERCIAL BREAK**

WANDA

he’s always doing that. thinks it’s funny to mess with the camera crew

**THERE IS A** YELP  **AND THE CAMERA FALLS TO THE FLOOR IN A BURST OF RED. WE SEE** WANDA **’S SHOES AS SHE WALKS AWAY.**

 

**NOW** EVERYONE  **IS IN THE LIVING ROOM. WE HEAR SINK NOISES FROM THE KITCHEN ACCOMPANIED BY RED MAGIC SMOKE.**

 

PIETRO

So…

 

TEDDY

Maybe we can watch the game?

 

**IT IS VERY SILENT FOR A MOMENT. EVEN THE SINK STOPS MAKING NOISES.**

 

TOMMY

Bruh

 

QUENTIN

I thought you were gay

 

**THE REST OF THE FAMILY LOOKS FAINTLY DISTURBED**

 

BILLY

Babe, I know you’re a jock but…

 

TEDDY

Okay.

**CHAIR WITH** TEDDY

TEDDY

I thought it was a good idea. Clearly not. Ouch.

 

**BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM. SETTLERS OF CATAN IS OUT**

 

BILLY

So you have to collect resources

 

TOMMY

Yeah, like minecraft

 

ERIK

Okay makes sense

 

WANDA

I’ve never played before but summoning this was a good idea, thank you william

 

**WE SEE** BILLY **IN THE CONFESSIONAL CHAIR NOW**

BILLY

I used my magic to steal it from Stark. What can i say, grandpa brings out the anti-capitalist in me

 

**DURING THE GAME**

QUENTIN

How are you winning? This can’t possibly be your first time playing

 

WANDA  **SMILES SMUGLY AND GATHERS RESOURCE PIECES FROM HIM**

 

QUENTIN  **IS IN THE CHAIR NOW**

QUENTIN

How is this happening? I’m the winner of the JG catan league every quarter. I’m using my psychic powers to cheat. I’m quentin f------ quire

 

WANDA  **IN THE CHAIR**

WANDA

I know that twerp is cheating, but no one is a match for the scarlet witch

 

PIETRO  **RUNS IN**

PIETRO

Don’t f--- with wanda

**THE TWINS HIGH FIVE**

 

**WE SEE A SHOT OF** WANDA  **CELEBRATING HER WIN. THE CAMERA PANS TO** QUENTIN **SITTING WITH HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS KNEES.** BILLY  **IS HOLDING HIS PHONE UP, SNAPCHATTING THE INCIDENT**

 

ERIK

Maybe it’s best we call it a night now. 

 

QUENTIN

I demand a rematch

 

TEDDY

Okay, I’m leaving now. Thanks for having me, Mr. Lensherr.

**HE STANDS UP.** BILLY  **WALKS HIM OUT**

 

TOMMY  **DISAPPEARS FOR A SECOND. HE REAPPEARS**

 

TOMMY

No one try and leave yet, they’re making out right outside the door

 

WANDA **IS HOLDING** QUENTIN **’S PHONE**

WANDA

is “demon girl” or “magic lesbian” your contact for illyana?

 

BILLY **IS BACK NOW. THE COLLAR OF HIS SHIRT IS CROOKED**

BILLY

neither, i’m pretty sure it’s “goat chick”

 

QUENTIN  **NODS. HE IS LYING SPREAD EAGLE ON THE FLOOR.**

 

WANDA

she’s on her way to get you, q

 

ERIK

it was nice to have you here, quentin. i hope you’ll come again next year

 

PIETRO  **IS IN THE INTERVIEW CHAIR.**

PIETRO

quentin is cool and i like having members of extended family around and all, but- 

**HE DASHES OFF AND COMES BACK WITH A PIECE OF TINFOIL. HE WRAPS IT AROUND HIS HEAD**

sorry, about to dish and can’t let the psychics know what i’m saying. if quentin’s going to flip out and summon the phoenix every time he loses at a board game, earth is not going to survive mario kart night

 

CAMERAMAN

holy s—— thats what the emergency signal was about

 

**THE CREDITS ROLL.**

 

**END CREDITS SCENE**

 

ERIK

i think that went splendidly

 

BILLY

[OFF SCREEN] hey were these scorch marks here before?

**Author's Note:**

> My twitter is @sustainabilitty, my tumblr is socialistscottlang, and i am sorry.


End file.
